| Sleepyhead... it feels like a really good bad dream... |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|01:53 am] |
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| |  sleepy | ] |
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| | Gifted ft Kanye West, Santogold, Lykke Li - N.A.S.A | ] |
Oh, how things tend to work for me...
So, with school being out for winter, I have some free time. You'd think I'd be working more, mm? Pfft, no. Hours are getting slashed like a prom queen in a horror flick. Not just mine, though, everyones', so I don't feel bad-bad. Anywhoo, this is starting to sound like my other journal.
I've started to talk to Junior again... yes, I am a fiend, not a glutton, but a fiend, for punishment. It's been just idle chat online whenever we cross paths, nothing major. Recently he started asking my questions, like why do I act the way I do-- I shut people out, and for them to get in, they have to basically work an M.C. Escher-esque maze to get to the surface of it all. I couldn't really answer it, but say that I've lived a complicated life, and everyday I hope to wake up and have found a 'reset' button that works. Moving on.
He made an open invitation the other day, saying that I should come over and that we could play Guitar Hero etc. I was bored, so I took him up on it. Before you go over-thinking this, no, I did not go there with anything else in mind. Phil was going to be there (and he was), as was his brother; His father was in his room, while his mother came in a little later. It was fun! I had not seen Phil in AGES, and having someone else to help zing Junior never hurts. Bonus: I made friends with his brother, hahaha!
After all the gaming, throwing of chocolate boxes, group insults, and pistachios, it became really late... like sometime after one in the morning late. He decided to go out to get Orange juice, and this is when I decided I should take my leave. And this is also when things got weird. Well, technically in about 10 or so minutes form when I leave his apartment it gets weird.
We went to Rabba-- it's owned by Jews and Brown people (no racist emails plz), so they're not gonna be closed on Xmas-- it's just another business day for them afterall. It had rained earlier that evening, so the roads were somewhat slippy, but because he's got a car made for drifting, it's like.... tricky-fun.
I'd never really admit to his face how much of a thrill i get from sitting in his car when he does that. But I think he might know. I might ask him one day.
We get back and park next to my car. Yeah. Here we go. Instead of me saying my "good nights and go's", I sat. and I looked out. And I thought. I thought about staying, I thought about leaving, I thought about his girlfriend all the way in Calgary. I thought about the stupid piece of cotton stick stuck between my whispering eye and how it was the worst gift ever given to me. I thought about how much of a God-like sign it was, and how someone's looking out for me in some kind of twisted way. And then my 15 seconds of train of thought were interrupted by
"So."
I panicked, then decided to stay.
"What?" I replied.
He knows me better than I give him credit for. He knows when I'm "thinking"-- mind racing, and usually with questions or comments or just something that I need said. But I can't tell him that. I believe at that point in time I wasn't thinking of anything. He asked again, and I said I was trying to keep from shaking because I was cold...
"Don't be stupid-- ask for the heat then!"
I'd never ask, and he knows this.
How do I tell him that I wish it didn't end the way it did? Either time, that is. How do I tell him that I kinda wish he was still with his other girl, because I didn't give a damn about her, and I could fuck him and not feel guilty? How do I tell him that I really and truly want him to be happy with his new girl, but I feel like shit 'cause I'm not her?
We talked about nothing, then ended up talking about things that we liked.... what we liked doing to each other, having done, and what we could do right then. I admitted that it was taking every bit of fiber in my body to not reach out and grab his dick.... it was literally inches from my face because of the way I was laying. Oh.... it was just SO hard-- both keeping my willpower, and his dick heheh. He kept saying things I wanted to hear
( things you don't want to have open on you screen... )
blah blah blah... He smelled so nice... I think it was his deodorant tho...
We reminisced about events had in the past, our first time, and even admitted some things... I told him that I don't considered that other guy because it was once, it was horrible, and just-- *shudders* ackkk. yeah. It was a waste of my time, and I'm going to be spending the rest of my lifetime trying to forget it, but I most likely won't. He was my first, he was my only. I was his last, and his most frequent.
I'm pretty sure I knew this, but I needed an egoboost.
We admitted to being scared (him) and faking (me) on our first time; I was also confused and scared-- he was trying to do some shit I had no idea about!
All that talking didn't really make the situation better; he then said that we need to stop doing this-- I told him I knew, and I've known for a while, and that I never INTENTIONALLY do anything to make him do what he does, and that I also can not force him to do anything against his will.
Talking slowly began to cease, and touching (from him) slowly began to start. I brushed it off, rejecting his advances, and his plethora of "hugs" if you want to call them such-- they were painful and uncalled for, really.
It becomes slightly fuzzy here... somehow he ends up on top of me.... I think he pulled me towards him for a hug, and I actually gave him a proper one. There was the standard rubbing, touching, and slightly heavy breathing. He kept saying "feel my skin"... which was kinda creepy, but... his skin was soft, and I knew what he meant, and where he wanted me to touch. He knows I like it when he rubs his face against mine, his bit 'o' beard on my neck. He tried to kiss me, he asked, but I refused. I didn't want to do anything. But his face was so softttttt.... and his dick was so harddddddd. And I could feel myself becoming increasingly wet as time went on. It's a weird feeling that I won't get into right now...
He told me that if anything, he's not even masturbated in months, so if we had done it that night, I would have probably had the best fuck of the year-- 2009, that is. It'd last from the remainder of this year and into the next, making it untoppable. And I believed him-- abstinence makes the cock grow harder hahaha!
In the end, to prevent any "funny business" from being seen, he drove around the corner to the guest parking lot in the complex next door. There was mild touching through jeans-- his, that is. And yeah... at that moment, I had to laugh a little... 'cause of the whole "Jizz in my Pants" sketch from SNL. Yeah, that basically happened... and yeah, I left my hand there long enough to feel it start to soak through slightly.
After that, we basically went our seperate ways. There's nothing that we could have done, and it was what we SHOULD have done hours ago.... by the time I left, it was after 4.30. Yeah, in the morning. I got to his place around 930, and Phil left around quarter-twelve. I'm thankful that his mom was there in the living room the whole time, 'cause I have no idea how things would have worked themselves out. I really wanted to just get on him and get fucked up really bad. Like.... There are NO words to describe that feeling, unless you know and understand completely.
I'm thinking of being bad on New Year's Eve... Stay home, alone, and see if he's free... mebbe we can negotiate some kind of a free pass for one night.... say that it was a moment juuuuust in between years, haha! And if it should be asked about, we could always say that it was "last year"-- which it will have been. If anything, that leaves me with about four days to plan this, somewhat.
I've said all that I can remember about that one night, so I'm going to bed.
"feel my skin.... just feel it... put your hands on my back"
I love the way his back and shoulders feel.
I miss his shoulders. It's a shame that we have such great sexual chemistry, but kinda fall short everywhere else at times. It probably could work out, though... we're older and wiser, but.... lets just keep it strictly sexual...
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spilt_love_milk's journal
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